This, my friends, is love

The following is a recounting of an actual phone conversation held this morning. The implied people involved have not been altered in any way in order to implicate the guilty.

"Hello?"

"Hi! I'm just checking on my boys to see how they are doing."

"Oh, we're doing fabulously. We just got dressed and we're about to head out the door."

"Great!"

"Although I just experienced something a little weird."

"Oh?"

"Well, this is going to sound a little crazy perhaps, but... um... did you use my film textbook to squish a bug or something in the basement?"

"...yes."

"Oh my God. You're kidding."

"Jeff, it was a huge spider. I couldn't even step on it."

"So you used my textbook??!!"

"Well, it was right there. And it's large."

"And then you didn't clean it up?!"

"No."

"OK, well, let me tell you what I did. I hadn't turned on the light yet when I picked up my book and I felt something squishy and wet underneath and thought, 'My goodness, do we have a leak? Did the cat throw up? What happened?' I brought the mass that had by now wiped off onto my hand and brought it to my nose to sniff it. To my nose!! And then, because it didn't smell bad, I started to roll it around in my fingers, hearing it crackle and squish. And only then did I turn on the light and saw it was a mass of squished giant bug. And then, I scremed."

"I just wanted to leave you a little present! Kind of like the cat."

"Oh yeah, speaking of which -- happy anniversary."