Sunday, May 15, 2005

How evil has entered my son's life

Look out, Xan!!! Posted by Hello

Doesn't my son look perfectly adorable here? He looks so peaceful, with that perfectly harmless stuffed turtle on his chest.

This is exactly what the turtle wants you to think. That it's harmless.

It's not.

It's evil.

It's the Turtle of Doom!!

Why, you may ask, is the turtle evil? The short answer is, Why not?

Xan has quickly acquired a good sized collection of stuffed animals. This includes several from my childhood, including Floppy the red dog, known to this day by my cousins for our endless games ofStupid Doggy, when we tossed him at each other across the room. Newer additions include Grendel (given to us by a medievalist with the accompanying child's version of the text, this animal can actually ingest smaller items like other toys, cookies and my hand), Ossie (an ostrich actually purchased in South Africa but named for the late actor Ossie Davis, not just because he's an ostrich) and Mitzi (a kitten who is not quite the sex kitten that her name implies). Our menagerie also includes SuperBear, a perfectly normal small teddy bear who happens to have a hand-knit long scarf, knitted by my former TA Steve (who, like me, can knit, but only scarves). But said scarf is tied in the front, in the fashion of a cape. Hence, SuperBear was born.

All these animals started developing personalities when I realized that one of my responsibilities as "Dad" was to come up with perfectly ridiculous, yet entertaining, stories for my son. I decided to be inspired by the collection of stuffed animals, immediately coming upon SuperBear and Mitzi, the feline in distress. But every hero, even SuperBear, needs an archnemesis. Who to pick? Opus the penguin? A tiger? Maurice the crab from The Little Mermaid? Raggedy Ann?

And my eyes fell on an otherwise innocuous sea turtle.

Hence, Tod. The Turtle of Doom, born to inflict all sorts of evil plots and plans for SuperBear to rectify. So far, Tod has been responsible for such dastardly activities as making the frozen breast milk take a long time to defrost and warm up, convincing Mitzi to reject SuperBear's offer to go to the movies with him, and humidity (naturally). We all know that world domination is only a few steps away, however, and that al-Qa'eda has nothing on the Turtle of Doom.

I'm trying to figure out the later implications Tod's mere existence will have for our good friend Todd Kutyla, who has two adorbale boys but also unfortunately has the same name as my cold-blooded antagonist. Perhaps Todd the human is a minion of Tod the turtle? Or does the extra "d" in his name protect him from the evil influence? Only time, and the ongoing influence and adventures of SuperBear will tell!


Middento said...

Steve Trapp reminded me of SuperBear's backstory, which we established when I demnaded an immediate name for the bear. I had completely forgotten about this. (It also explains why he and Mitzi can never be an actual couple, other than the cross-species thing.)And best of all, it means his alter-ego is literary! Hooray!

"You mustn't forget that SuperBear not only fights the dastardly machinations of Tod, but also struggles to maintain his private life as Ishmael, the kind hearted journeyman that is loved by the other dock workers for not only his kindly nature but also his didactic lessons on modernist American Literature. If SuperBear is to sustain his life on the docks, he must be constantly vigilant that his exploits under cape, and the occasional cowel, do not infilitrate salty sealife he has come to love."

J.J. said...

That kid is f*cking cute. There are a lot of ugly babies out there, but Xan looks adorable. And I wish you didn't bring up turtles. Reminds me of the time I was mauled by a giant Atlantic tortoise in Virginia Beach. Granted, it was a very slow and steady attack, but it left me kind of shellshocked.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm.. when I gave you that turtle, I was not aware of its evilness...

DPEmily said...

Hey there!

Congratulations on the beautiful baby boy, from both me and John (Turner, that is... you remember us, oui?).

Let's hope Tod doesn't inspire a lifelong phobia of turtles and other reptilian species!

Speaking of phobias. Don't expose poor Xan to The Wizard of Oz too soon. Those flying monkeys... *shudder*


Emily B & John E. T. (ha, you liked that rhyme didn't you... yes, we're still nerds.)

Middento said...

Note that the person who claims to have not known about the impending evil nature of Tod prefers to remain anonymous. Is anyone fooled?!

Evil, I tell you.

Anonymous said...

I'll identify myself in the future! It is not a need to remain anonymous - I just don't want another username and password to forget (especially since I can't remember the password to my Password Safe. DOH!)
-heather d

Emily said...

I think maybe you subconsciously named that turtle after other Tod(d) who really was pretty evil (and by evil I mean creepy). You know who I'm talking about.

PS I miss you!